Anytown Small Business Sequestration – A Letter from the CEO
April 3, 2013 Leave a comment
ANNOUNCEMENT: Due to our inability to produce a product in the past 4 years and the conjoined, unbridled spending we have undertaken, it pains us to adopt the Government’s style Sequestration, a.k.a. mandatory spending cuts, here at Anytown Small Business, Inc.
Following the President’s example, I am voluntarily taking a 5% salary cut. If I was making as much as our President, that would be enough to replace the windows in Building 100, thereby erasing the threat of Mud daubers terrorizing our finest.
Let me explain. The promise of lower healthcare costs didn’t happen.
The promise of cleaner, renewable, and cheaper energy costs and fewer regulations, where everything that was beautiful, has now brought us down, didn’t happen.
Our hiring practices, spurred on by the promise of a Government backed Stimulus plan to create jobs and economic growth, didn’t happen.
We have had to hire armies of attorneys and consultants to remain in compliance of the new regulations and laws.
Each year over the past four years our healthcare costs have risen 25% or more. As the Supreme Court has ruled, we all know now, even though the Main Stream Media (MSM) chooses to ignore, Obamacare is a tax! Now on top of the cost of healthcare we have an additional tax burden. Any new tax increases the cost of doing business.
So now we have to reduce employment to less than 50 workers. We are playing spin the bottle every day, after work of course. The winner gets to kiss his or her job good-bye but gets to keep the bottle.
We’ve hired the people the Government wanted us to hire. If you were down on your luck, if you had been laid off or fired somewhere else, if you had remained unemployed past the limit of your unemployment benefits, and you have been kicked to the curb by the government, you were on our radar. Why not? There were thousands of reasons to hire you. Government incentives. Government dollars.
Those of you who turned our job offers down and preferred to live on government entitlements, it seems like you’re working harder not to work. Too often we have seen your job inquiries were bogus. Too bad there were no frequent flyer points from Craig’s List for answering either your own phony ads or ads for which you need not apply, because you were not remotely qualified.
At Anytown, you would have come to the front of the line. The less qualified the better. Our local, county, state and federal government want you to work for us and they want to provide Anytown, thousands of dollars in incentives to hire you.
Of course, we all know, there are the many companies who take the government’s money and not only never meet quotas, meaning jobs, but basically fail, pick a Chapter 7 or 11.
Many who were hired spent their valuable time to build a truly homogeneous product. We made every effort to provide our product in many different languages, including all of the Asian dialects, but then we realized all of our major competitors learned to publish their products in English and are our best customers, too. As part of the Sequestration, we had to let every translator go.
This has been a tremendous benefit to our company’s bottom line, the cost cutting terminations and the fact is there that are still employees working for us that do not comprehend, read or write in English. The last thing we need is a lawsuit from the government.
Those of us who are capable of doing our job, spend countless hours covering for our fellow employees, and the company appreciates it! Unfortunately, we are also announcing 10%, across the board, salary cuts for all personnel, will affect each and every one of you… the same. I thank you for your sacrifice.
Finally, we poured unconscionable sums of borrowed money into unproven technology and insolvent companies. Our investments, while popular with the majority of our customer base, they did little to contribute to our future growth in revenues or in our company’s best interest.
After nearly going out of business it finally dawned on us. The top 20% of our customers were contributing 70% of our revenues. Our General Accounting Office (GAO) said it’s time we start paying attention to our paying customers.
Let’s hope they love golf!